Buh-Bye Body Image Worries, Hullo Orgasms!

When you become preoccupied with the appearance of your body outside of the bedroom, these worries and concerns ultimately end up in the bedroom.

Because for women sexual arousal and response require attention and focus, when you focus on how your body looks—rather than what you’re experiencing and feeling—you are less able to let your guard down and fully enjoy sexual pleasure and sexually pleasing your partner.

For a great relationship—and great sex—redefine what sex is all about!

Replace each of these with something positive
about YOURself.


  • Get real! Sexy is as sexy does! You define what body type is sexy and appealing to your partner, not media images! Your partner probably wouldn’t be in bed (or on the kitchen table) with you in the first place if he or she didn’t see something about you that was appealing.
  • Let it happen! You can’t force great sex, especially if you’re overly concerned about how you look during the act. Just let sex happen. Focus on what feels good and all the different sensations going on in your body.
  • Let go! Hang on to your partner, but get rid of all of those inhibitions by giving yourself to ENJOY SEX. When you truly let go, it’s tough to think about what your thighs must look like in a particular position (trust me, your partner isn’t looking, either).
  • Connect, communicate, and trust! When you focus on emotionally connecting and communicating during sex, you feel safe and secure—and you’ll realize that the shape of your body has nothing to do with these other feelings.
  • Be adventurous! Explore, explore, explore! Come up for air, and explore some more! This attitude shifts the focus to each other’s bodies, and in doing so, you begin to see how FUN sex really can be…and that it’s not all about looks.
How healthy is your body image? Find out here! Be sure to email me your results, or come back here and share them!
Source:  See Family Life Now (Welch, 2010), pg. 218. 

Photo Credit: Flickr.com

Wine Wednesday for the Ladies: Sexual Desire & Response

Earlier I talked about sexual response and I mentioned that the problem for most couples is that men and women differ as to how long they reach and remain in the various response stages.

These differences almost always cause huge problemsin a couple’s sex life…and sadly, most sex problems almost always spill over into each and every other aspect of a couple’s relationship.

Sure, a lot of us can fake it make it without knowing everything there is to know about sex, and maybe we can even have enjoyable sexual lives.

But I’m a firm believer in knowledge + practice [infinity] + patience [to infinity and beyond] = fantastic sex lives [and relationships]. Understanding how and why your body works the way it does, and how and why your partner’s body works the way it does, greatly [as in Oh. Em. Gee.] enhances your sexual pleasure.

I’m also a firm believer in ignoring it + hoping it gets better + trying to figure it out on your own = frustration and less-than-satisfying sex lives [and relationships] and faking it (a lot more than you are now).

So, pull up a chair pour a glass of wine, gals, and let’s get real about what turns you on–and why.

Sister Sexual Desire & Response

When it comes to sex, gals,

1.You will almost always have a lower sex drive than your man: He has testosterone. You don’t. BUT—if you find that you just need a little more help, your doctor can prescribe a bit of testosterone. In fact, many peri- and postmenopausal women are prescribed testosterone today. And gals….they keep coming back for more.

2.You emphasize the interpersonal aspects of your relationship—not the physical or the sexual: You tend to care about love, intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Once these are fulfilled, you can more easily give of yourself sexually and physically.

3.You tend to have sex to enhance the commitment to the relationship: Both yours and his.

4.You tend to have sex to express your love: In fact, new research suggests that your orgasms are enhanced if you hear your partner say “I love you,” just before, during, or immediately after your orgasm.

While almost every sexologist since the 1st century has claimed that guys and gals the world over have sex because they’re programmed to do it, because it’s an innate need, one contemporary sexologist says uh-uh, nope, no way, not so fast.

New research in college-age women and middle age women shows that sex for women is highly contextual. In other words, we do it for increased emotional closeness, increasing our own well-being or self-image, to feel wanted or loved, to feel attractive….not because it’s an inborn drive, and not necessarily because we want to experience physical pleasure.

And get this—this researcher also claims that we gals have sex for personal satisfaction…not for orgasmic release.

All of this 21st century research might help to explain why today’s sexologists and sex therapists think that desire should be added as a distinct phase of sexual response for women (Masters and Johnson ignored this as a part of overall sexual response in women).

So, a truer picture of a woman’s sexual response pattern might look something like this:

(Emotional intimacy + sexual stimuli + relationship satisfaction + a clean house + locked doors + children soundly asleep + paid bills + secure love + secure commitment + not feeling fat + sweet nothings + estrogen = SEXUAL DESIRE = Seeking out and being receptive to sexual stimuli) + (sexual stimuli + emotional satisfaction + physical satisfaction = SEXUAL AROUSAL) + (time + time + time + time) = ORGASM.

Yeah, we’re that complicated, ladies.

And get this—we gals experience high sexual desire and interest when we first enter a new relationship, or if we’ve been away from our love interest for awhile.

BUT…

…this sexual hunger for frequent sex appears to decrease the longer we’re in our relationships. Girlfs, our sexual appetites are replaced by a desire for increased emotional closeness and intimacy!

What does all this mean??

New sex research sure seems to indicate that your sexual desire isn’t inborn, gals—your sexual desire is TRIGGERED by feelings of love and intimacy and closeness and appreciation and relationship satisfaction.

Just as your love will transition from a 24×7-do-me-baby-do-me to a calmer, more stable type of love, so too does your sexual appetite transition to a sexual desire that is triggered by your love for your partner and the security you feel when you’re with that person.

And that, girlfriends, is a realistic expectation for your relationship. When you feel the sexual desire waning, when you feel that something is “different” about your love–it just may very well be an indicator that your relationship is actually becoming STRONGER…it’s not getting worse!

How does this information compare to what you may have read in popular magazines such as Cosmo, or what you may have learned in a sex class?


Photo Credit: Jeff Cusher (glass of wine, flickr.com); Curtis Gregory Perry (trigger, flickr.com)

Why Is He Always So Analytical?

It’s been said before that the “Y” sex chromosome came about because since the beginning of time, men have been questioning, “Y do we always have to talk about this $#%! relationship?!”

In an earlier post I talked about women’s genderlects, and how most women are taught from an early age to communicate in certain ways with others. So engrained are these behaviors, researchers say that understanding and caring is the context in which women frame nearly every conversation that they have. In short, the underlying message in women’s conversation is connecting with others—and they do this by talking (a lot).

But what about guys? Are boys, like girls, socialized from young ages to stick to certain communication “rules?” Do guys have an underlying genderlect?

Researchers think so!

When men engage in conversations—with family, friends, intimate partners, or lovers—their underlying genderlect appears to be:

  • Problem Solving: From a young age, boys are taught to be independent, and because of this, they often solve problems on their own. While girls are taught to “talk things through” if they have an issue with a friend, boys are often taught to look at the situation “logically.”
  • Advice Giving: Because men are tuned in to problem solving, when someone shares a problem or a concern, men often immediately jump to offering advice or a solution.

Thinking, analyzing, intellectual understanding, facts, logic—this is the way men experience their relationships. It’s the way they assess the status of all of the friendships and interpersonal relationships.

This is probably why your guy is so quick to offer advice or a solution when you share a problem with him.

It may also be why you sometimes feel as though he seems so distant or insensitive, and why he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings or what’s troubling him.

Newer research even suggests that men’s communication behaviors are established well before birth. According to some genetic studies, male and female brains are structured differently—wired differently—because of the influences of testosterone (the masculinizing sex hormone) during the prenatal period. These biological differences cause men to process information and communication messages in different ways.

This new research might also help to explain why guys, when confronted with a problem, will oftentimes make jokes or change the subject.

This isn’t to say that men don’t have an emotional connection to their family, friends, intimate partners, or lovers—it just means that they do not express these emotions in the same ways that women do.

So, let’s say you come to your guy and describe a problem to him. Because your genderlect is connecting, talking, understanding, and caring, you expect him to respond the same way you would.

When he comes to you and describes a situation (like a problem at work or in class), he expects that you will give him advice and help him solve the problem, because that’s what he would do for you.

Do you see the problem? When he offers advice and you’re expecting understanding, you feel that your feelings are invalidated or that he’s trivializing your problems.

When you offer sympathy and understanding and he’s expecting advice and a solution to the problem, he feels that you’re putting him down.

You may feel that his joke-telling is making fun of your situation. He may feel that your comforting is treating him like a child.

Now’s the time to toss out absolutely EVERYthing you’ve ever heard about or learned about communication (unless you’ve taken my class…cuz that’s the right stuff!).

Here’s the deal: it’s not the words that are the source of lover’s spats (or full-blown arguing).

For you to have ah-mah-zing communication with your partner, you need to stop listening to the words being spoken.

Big. Huge.Important.

Yep, you heard read me right. Stop listening to the words.

Come back next week and I’ll show you what to tune into in your intimate relationships, so you can have the kind of couple communication that very few couples are able to achieve.

Can you think of specific instances where your feelings were hurt because you felt that your guy wasn’t “listening” to you? If you look at the situation again with his genderlect in mind, does this change your perception of his response to you?

Photo Credit: flickr.com

The Elusive G-Spot: The Holy Grail or [Holy] Crap?

You can’t pick up a women’s magazine (or even a men’s magazine, for that matter!) without finding tips on how to locate and stimulate a woman’s G-spot.

Reporting that the G-spot is the Holy Grail of sexual experiences, and reporting that finding the G-spot will give a woman the most powerful and explosive orgasms (evah!), pop culture continues to claim that every woman has a G-spot, and that it’s just a matter of practice, practice, practice to find it.

But, are the claims about the G-spot myth… or reality? (It just dawned on me—how funny of an episode would this be on Myth Busters?!? Something along the lines of “Do ‘Fainting’ Goats Really Exist?”)

Myth? Reality? Does it even matter?

Scientific evidence is beginning to emerge.  To produce the types of intense orgasms said to originate from the G-spot, there must also be nerve endings in the vaginal area where the G-spot is said to be located.

A number of recent studies suggest that there is no area in the vagina that contains increased and/or concentrated nerve endings.  In short, the pop culture claims about the existence of the G-spot go well beyond the available scientific evidence.

But why does the “realness” of the G-spot even matter?

One researcher summed it up best when he said, “The G-spot is not just a point of minor anatomic interest. The G-spot seems to be widely accepted as being real…if the G-spot doesn’t exist, then many women have been seriously misinformed about their bodies and their sexuality.

Women who fail to ‘find’ their G-spot, because they fail to respond to stimulation as the G-spot myth suggests they should, may end up feeling sexually inadequate—and abnormal.”

Do you think that women do have a G-spot, and that science just hasn’t found the evidence of its existence yet? Have you ever felt sexually inadequate or that something is “wrong” with you because you (or your partner) couldn’t “find” your G-spot?